Scary but a "God-thing"

On Monday, I went to the OB/GYN for my yearly "womanly" appointment. While there, the doc discovered a lump in my breast. I was scheduled for an ultrasound on Friday (yes, I had to wait that long). The doc reassured me it was nothing but wanted to take the precaution. I believed her and went on my way. As I walked away and headed to my car, the weight of the situation began to hit me. I broke. Tears and doubts began to flood my brain like never before. It was scary to think of the future and a lump.

Daniel and I have been under immense pressure the past few weeks due to the opening of a satellite campus of First Assembly that we felt called to be a part of. Then, I got hit by the news. It was all I could do to keep it together (barely). Daniel and I ended up having an impromptu date night on Tuesday to help "clear our heads." It was nice and just what we needed.

Wednesday rolled around, and I was still struggling with the issue. I was supposed to "skip" church to go to another meeting and costume fitting. I chose not to go because I just felt that I needed to be in the Bible study. We have been focusing on the minor profits. Before the study, I thought that I was crazy and would get nothing from it, BUT most of the study was for me and my situation. It was freeing.

I woke up Thursday morning with peace in my heart and mind and great anticipation for Friday afternoon to see if all my fret was in vain.

Today (Friday) was my appointment at the Imagery center (in the same complex as Z's ENT and where his tubes were put in). Daniel, of course, went with me. As I watched on the monitor during the ultrasound, I could tell that it was more than just a normal "lump" by the way the tech was spending time on that spot and measuring and such. Then, the pics were taken to the doc. He came in for a look himself.

He told me that he was hoping it was a cyst (no problems, let it be). It wasn't that. It appeared to be a tumor. The good news was that it also seemed to be benign. He gave me 2 options, a needle biopsy with local anesthesia OR to go ahead and schedule a full removal of the .5cm area and surrounding, just to make sure. There is a small chance it is malignant, but the signs don't point there. Most likely, the needle test (which is what I chose) will show that it is benign, and we'll just keep a close eye on it for the many years to come. It is not expected to grow anymore.

So, on Monday, May 30th, I will go in again to the center to be locally numbed and have a needle stuck in me. Fun! I'm thankful that all seems to be going well.

Through all this I have been "finding myself" again and who I am in Christ. The past few years, I have had control of my life. God has constantly been calling me to trust him and let go of the reigns. I haven't. Now that I have been faced with an issue that I have no control over, whatsoever, I have begun to let go of the control issue in my life. I have such a peace. If it is malignant, then God knows, and I trust that He will provide total healing. If it is not, then I trust that all will be well in the future. I am using this time as a life lesson and relationship lesson. My stress levels have been much higher since August. I have taken life too seriously and tried to control my own life. The problem is, it is not mine to control. There has been such a weight lifted off my shoulders. I'm fine with whatever the outcome is.

As my teammate keeps reminding me, if it's not breast cancer, don't stress. The situation will be over soon. She's a breast cancer survivor. I've learned so much from her. She's one year from retirement, and has "done it all," for the most part. She's my sounding board and sound mind at work. I thank God for her. Now I truly can remind myself that life is short, and that God is in control. He deserves the glory for whatever happens in the next few weeks and months. He's worthy, & I am truly blessed.